I starred in every high school play

Blew every drama teacher away

I graduated first in my class at Juilliard

Took every acting workshop I could

And I dreamed of Hollywood

While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard



Hit the boards and paid my dues

And got phenomenal rave reviews

I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt

I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone

Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone

But the years have come and gone

And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out



I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride

Skipper Dan is the name

And I'm doin' 34 shows every day

And every time it's the same

Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears

Just like they've done for the last 50 years

Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside

Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride



Oh, the critics, they used to say

I was the new Olivier

Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes

Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDB me

The only place you might possibly see me

Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland

It ain't exactly what I planned



But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride

Skipper Dan is the name

And I'm doin 34 shows every day

And every time it's the same

I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"

But what's the difference, that's all behind me now

Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin my pride

And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride



I should be there on Broadway

Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"

But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes

Again and again and again and again and again and again and again



Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!

That's an African bull elephant...

And there it is, the backside of water!

What have I done with my life?!



I shoulda listened when my grandfather said

"Why don't you major in business instead?"

Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died

And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride

Skipper Dan is the name

And I'm doin' 34 shows every day

And every time it's the same

Look at those hippos, they're wigglin their ears

Somebody shoot me cause I'm bored to tears

Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied

Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride