Now, let me tell you 'bout the school cafeteria
It's got all the others beat
It sells over four million burgers a year
Just think, that's almost two pounds of meat

My ice cream sandwich is lukewarm
But my burrito is much too cold
You know a school cafeteria is the only place
That sells artificially colored mold

You know a school cafeteria believes in mass production
They buy those lousy soy beans by the keg
I don't like to complain, but in a school cafeteria
You can buy a taco and get Bubonic Plague

Today in the school cafeteria
They introduced a brand new malt
It's called boysenberry dysentery
Please pass the salt

The tunafish sandwiches'll make you ill
The enchiladas are enough to kill
Before you eat, you'd better make out your will
In the school cafeteria today

After sixty-three years in the business
Our cook still hasn't got The Knack
And all the food in the school cafeteria
Comes from CARE packages that were sent back

Feel your arteries growing hard
As you eat another healthy spoonful of lard

It's no wonder that the food is so gross
The health department is afraid to come close
So everybody better hold your nose
In the school cafeteria today

So listen very closely, all you girls and guys
Here's a little message to the wise
You'd better not try the chili surprise
In the school cafeteria today, oh yeah
In the school cafeteria today