There was this king sleeping
In his garden all alane
When his brither in his ear dropped
A wee tait of henbane
Then he stole his brother's crown
And his money and his widow
But the dead king walked in cutty sark
And said hey listen, kiddo

I've been killed and it's your duty
To take revenge on Claudius
Kill him quick and clean and show
The nation what a fraud he is
The boy says, right, I'll do it
But I'll have to play it crafty
So that nobody will suspect me
I'll kid on that I'm a dafty

So wi all except Horatio
(and he trusts him as a friend)
Hamlet - that's the boy
Kids on he's round the bend
And because he wasn't ready
For obligatory killing
He tried to make the king think
He's tuppence off the shilling

Took the mickey oot Polonius
Treated poor Ophelia vile
And told Rosencrantz and Gildenstern
that Denmark was a jail
Then a troup of traveling actors
On the 784
Arrived to do a special one night
Gig in Elsinore

Hamlet, Hamlet, Loved his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating
Wonders if the ghost's a cheat
And that is why he's waiting

Then Hamlet wrote a scene for
The players to enact
While Horatio and him would watch
To see if Claudius cracked
The play was called "the Mousetrap"
(not the one that's running now)
And sure enough, the King walked out
Before the scene was through.

So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius
Gived his dad the dose
The only problem being now that
Claudius knows he knows
So while Hamlet tells his ma that her
New husband's not a fit one
Uncle Claud puts out a contract with
The English king as hit man

And when Hamlet killed Polonius
The concealed corpus delecti
Was the King's excuse to send for
An English hempen necktie
With Rosencrantz and Gildenstern
To make sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put
The finger on the pair

Meanwhile Laertes heard his dad had been
Stabbed thru the arras
He came racing back to Elsinore
Toute-suite, Hot foot from Paris
And Ophelia with her dad killed by
The man she wished to marry
After saying it with flowers
She commited hari-kari

Hamlet, Hamlet, there's no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet, Learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust
Convinced him that men, good or bad,
At last must come to dust

Then Laertes lost the place and was
Demanding retribution
But the king said, keep the head and
I'll provide you a solution
And he arranged a sword-fight with
The interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and
A sharp sword for Laertes

And to make things double sure
The old belt and braces line
He fixed a poison on the sword tip and
A poisoned cup of wine
And the poisoned sword got Hamlet
But Laertes went and muffed it
Cause he got stabbed himself and he
Confessed before he snuffed it

Then Hamlet's mammy drank the wine and
As her face turned blue
Hamlet says, I quite believe
The King's a baddy too
Incestuous, treacherous, damned Dane
He said, to be precise,
And made up for hesitating by
Killing Claudius twice

Cause he stabbed him with the sword and forced
The wine between his lips
Then he said, the rest is silence
That was Hamlet had his chips
They fired a volley over him that
Shook the topmost rafter
And Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes
Lived happily ever after

Hamlet, Hamlet, a' the glory
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm away
If you think this is boring
You should read the bloody play