Uh, Judge
Due to the fact that you sent my court-appointed attorney to rehab, I'll be representin' myself
This is my openin' statement

Everybody said that Wilbert Haynes went crazy
After Thelma Lou walked out
First, he went outside and pulled up all her daisies
Then he burned that whole house down
Accordin' to the Pike County press, he just lit up a cigarette
About the time he found her goodbye note
It's a good thing I don't smoke

When Junior Fowler caught his third wife cheatin'
He went and bought a box of wine
You know, the good kind
Then he waved his way to town and got a haircut
And put on his suit and tie
Then he pulled into the Ready Mix
Had 'em fill his truck bed with cement
Drove it off in Newton's Pond and let her sink
It's a good thing I don't drink

It's a good thing I wasn't drunk
When I hitched her trailer to my truck
And took them two fornicaters for a ride
And Lord knows I hadn't had a drop
When I parked them at the church of God
Blowed the horn and drug their naked butts outside
Yeah, it caused quite the Sunday morning stank
But it could've been a whole lot worse now, don't you think?
It's a good thing I don't drink
(It's a good thing he don't drink)

Uh, I'll close with this

Now if I've been intoxicated, I deserve to be incarcerated
But, Judge, I swear I'll not do this again
I know they're both swolled-up and red
But that beehive I tossed in her bed
Was just a harmless joke between three friends
Yes, Judge, I painted his blue Dually pink
But it could've been a whole lot worse now, don't you think?
It's a good thing I don't drink
We oughta count our blessings, don't you think?
It's a good thing I don't drink
(It's a good thing he don't drink)
It's a good thing I don't drink (Ooh)
(It's a good thing he don't drink)

It could've been a lot worse, really, you know it could've been