If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You'd use a star to dot the "I"
In "I love you", that is what you'd do
You'd take a dreary day and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
These are the things that you would do for me

Because I need you
Like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen
Like a flower needs a bee
And if you really cared for me
You'd let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath - I shouldn't even have to ask
Perhaps you'd even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true

We go together
Like a cracker and Brie
Like racism and ignorance
Like bling and R&B
And if you really want to show you care
You'd let me wear your underwear
When we go to your mum's, for a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
There's no reason for a big to-do
If you love one another, it's true

We go together
Like a bird and a nest
Like Internet and kiddie-porn
Like guns and the US
And if you love me like you say you do
You'd purchase thirty cockatoos
And teach them to fly in formation in the sky
And shit the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love's all about
Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese
No one said love is for free
And if you agree with that
You'd sing me passages from the Koran
Wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of Waltzing Matilda
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder

Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas
Like a nun needs cock
But if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn't go through childbirth
You'd agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin
We'll get a Chinese kid - it could teach us Mandarin!
And communists don't make as much noise
And they're really good at sharing their toys

Because I dig you
Like an Aussie digs pies
Like born-agains dig Jesus
Like Jesus dug guys
And if you love me unconditionally
You'd do my tax return for me
Cos it's way overdue, and I just don't know,
I guess I'm self-employed but do I still pay as I go?
And does the threshold apply to me?
And should I register for GST?
And if you love me unconditionally,
Would you let me video you while you wee?
(Assuming there's nothing worth watching on TV)