Harold:

Well, either you're closing your eyes 

To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge

Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated

By the presence of a pool table in your community.

Ya got trouble, my friend, right here, 

I say, trouble right here in River City. 

Why sure I'm a billiard player,

Certainly mighty proud I say 

I'm always mighty proud to say it. 

I consider that the hours I spend 

With a cue in my hand are golden. 

Help you cultivate horse sense

And a cool head and a keen eye. 

Never take and try to give

An iron-clad leave to yourself 

From a three-reail billiard shot?

But just as I say, 

It takes judgement, brains, and maturity to score

In a balkline game, 

I say that any boob kin take

And shove a ball in a pocket. 

And they call that sloth. 

The first big step on the road

To the depths of deg-ra-Day--

I say, first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon,

Then beer from a bottle. 

An' the next thing ya know, 

Your son is playin' for money

In a pinch-back suit. 

And list'nin to some big out-a-town Jasper

Hearin' him tell about horse-race gamblin'. 

Not a wholesome trottin' race, no!

But a race where they set down right on the horse! 

Like to see some stuck-up jockey'boy 

Sittin' on Dan Patch? Make your blood boil? 

Well, I should say. 

Friends, lemme tell you what I mean.

Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table. 

Pockets that mark the diff'rence

Between a gentlemen and a bum, 

With a capital "B," 

And that rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool! 

And all week long your River City

Youth'll be frittern away, 

I say your young men'll be frittern!

Frittern away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too!

Get the ball in the pocket,

Never mind gittin' Dandelions pulled

Or the screen door patched or the beefsteak pounded.

Never mind pumpin' any water 

'Til your parents are caught with the Cistern empty

On a Saturday night and that's trouble,

Oh, yes we got lots and lots a' trouble.

I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers, 

Shirt-tail young ones, peekin' in the pool 

Hall window after school, look, folks! 

Right here in River City. 

Trouble with a capital "T"

And that rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool!

Now, I know all you folks are the right kinda parents. 

I'm gonna be perfectly frank.

Would ya like to know what kinda conversation goes

On while they're loafin' around that Hall? 

They're tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out cubebs,

Tryin' out Tailor Mades like Cigarette Feends!

And braggin' all about

How they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen.

One fine night, they leave the pool hall,

Headin' for the dance at the Arm'ry!

Libertine men and Scarlet women! 

And Rag-time, shameless music

That'll grab your son and your daughter

With the arms of a jungle animal instink!

Mass-staria!

Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground!



People:

Trouble, oh we got trouble, 

Right here in River City! 

With a capital "T" 

That rhymes with "P"

And that stands for Pool,

That stands for pool.

We've surely got trouble!

Right here in River City, 

Right here!

Gotta figger out a way

To keep the young ones moral after school!

Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble...



Harold:

Mothers of River City!

Heed the warning before it's too late!

Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption!

The moment your son leaves the house,

Does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee? 

Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?

A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?

Is he starting to memorize jokes from Capt.

Billy's Whiz Bang?

Are certain words creeping into his conversation?

Words like 'swell?"

And 'so's your old man?" 

Well, if so my friends,

Ya got trouble,

Right here in River city!

With a capital "T"

And that rhymes with "P"

And that stands for Pool.

We've surely got trouble!

Right here in River City!

Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!

Oh, we've got trouble. 

We're in terrible, terrible trouble. 

That game with the fifteen numbered balls is a devil's tool! 

Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!

With a "T"! Gotta rhyme it with "P"! 

And that stands for Pool!!!