i'm trying too hard to forget to just be me.

forgetting to forget the imagined audience.

who i wish would understand me,

yet never know me.

because i can't bear to show what i don't know.

this is why i discuss trivialities.

this is why i seem so strong.

because my shell won't be cracked if i make sure you never find out how to.

yet i want to open up.

i want to see who i am.

i want to see.

but it terrifies me to think that maybe you love me for what i say and not who i am.

My politics just aren't me;

just another wall between you and i.



The select few who've seen through the facade,

i pushed away in horror.

afraid of what they knew.

i withheld so much about myself to keep a fucked-up advantage

and now i see i never had anything to gain.

so now there's no more trying to "Just be me".

no more hiding behind a language. just expose myself for what i've been;

a fraud,

cashing in on rhetoric

that i learned to abuse,

what i used to push you away.

that i used to win even though.. every single time i lost.

every single time.