Last Will And Temperament
By The Frantics
Available on Frantic Times, CBC Records LM484, 1984
EXECUTOR: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will And Testament.

HEDGE: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.

JENNY: Oh, poor, dear Arthur! Waaaa!

HANK: Oh, there, there, Jenny.

RALSTON: God, how predictably boring.

MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man.

EXECUTOR: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

RALSTON: I knew it.

HEDGE: Heh heh heh heh.

EXECUTOR: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body..."

HEDGE: That's a laugh!

EXECUTOR: "... do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny..."

JENNY: Waaaa!

HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.

JENNY: Oh.

EXECUTOR: "... who grubbed with her husband, Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."

JENNY: What?

EXECUTOR: "... To Jenny, I leave a boot to the head."

JENNY: A what?

*BONK! *

JENNY: Ow!

HANK: Jenny, are you okay?

EXECUTOR: "... and another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank."

*BONK! *

HANK: Ow!

HEDGE: Hahahahaha...

JENNY: This is an outrage!

EXECUTOR: "... ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it..."

JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!

HANK: Yes.

EXECUTOR: "... I bequeath another boot to the head."

JENNY: What?

*BONK! *

JENNY: Ow!

HEDGE: Hahahaha...

EXECUTOR: "And one more for the wimp."

*BONK! *

HANK: Ow!

EXECUTOR: "Next, to my alcoholic brother..."

HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!

EXECUTOR: "... to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..."

HEDGE: I'm coverin' up my head!

EXECUTOR: "... I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey."

HEDGE: Really?

EXECUTOR: "And a boot to the head."

*BONK! *

HEDGE: OH!

EXECUTOR: "And another for Jenny and the wimp."

*BONK! *

JENNY: Oh!

*BONK! *

HANK: Ow!

EXECUTOR: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston..."

RALSTON: This is so predictable...

EXECUTOR: "... I leave a boot to the head."

*BONK! *

RALSTON: Uh! I knew it.

EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."

*BONK! *

JENNY: Ah!

*BONK! *

HANK: OH!

EXECUTOR: "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy..."

MRS. MULROY: Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'.

EXECUTOR: "... who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."

MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind.

EXECUTOR: "To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath a boot to the head."

*BONK! *

MRS. MULROY: OH!

EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."

*BONK! *

JENNY: AH!

*BONK! *

HANK: OH!

EXECUTOR: "And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head!"

*BONK! *

*MEOW! *

EXECUTOR: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head... but a rabid Tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers!" Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, "... and I leave my entire estate of $10 million to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh.

HANK: Is that it?

RALSTON: That's it?

HEDGE: That's disgraceful.

EXECUTOR: There's one last thing for everyone.

HEDGE: Cover your heads, everybody!

EXECUTOR: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."

HANK: Ice cream?

HEDGE: Ice cream?

RALSTON: Ice cream, that's all?

EXECUTOR: That's all.

MRS. MULROY: Well, what flavor is it?

EXECUTOR: Boot to the head!

*BONK! * *BONK! * *BONK! * *BONK! *

ALL: OW!