performed by the Frantics

LAWYER:  As executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read
Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament.

HEDGE:  Well, get on with it!  The bars open soon.

JENNY:  Oh, poor Arthur!  Waah!

HANK:  There, there Jenny!

RALSTON:  How predictably boring.

MRS. MULROY:  I never worked for a kinder man.

LAWYER:  If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

RALSTON:  I knew it.

HEDGE:  Hah, hah, hah, hah.

LAWYER:  I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --

HEDGE:  That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...

LAWYER:  -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows:  To my
overly emotional sister Jenny --

JENNY:  Waahh!

HANK:   Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.

LAWYER:  -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they
could get from me and then shed crocodile tears when I needed sympathy;  to
Jenny I leave...  a boot to the head.

HEDGE:  Hah, hah, hah, hah!

JENNY:  A  what ?  (THUMP!)  Ow!

HANK:   Jenny, are you okay?

LAWYER:  And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank.

HANK:  (THUMP!)  Ow!

LAWYER:  Ah, but still, you are my sister.  You have both admired my Rolls
Royce, and since I no longer need it --

JENNY:  Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!

LAWYER:  -- I bequeath...  another boot to the head.

JENNY:  What?  (THUMP!)  Ow!

HEDGE:  Hah, hah, hah, hah!

LAWYER:  And another one for the wimp.

HANK:  (THUMP!)  Ow!

LAWYER:  Next, to my alcoholic brother --

HEDGE:  Hey, I don't want no boot to the head.

LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --

HEDGE:  I'm covering up my head!

LAWYER:  -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.

HEDGE:  Really?

LAWYER:  And a boot to the head.

HEDGE:  (THUMP!)  Oh!

LAWYER:  And another for Jenny and the wimp.

JENNY:  (THUMP!)  Uh!

HANK:   (THUMP!)  Ow!

LAWYER:  Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --

RALSTON:  This is so predictable.

LAWYER:  I leave a boot to the head.

RALSTON:  (THUMP!)  Uh! I knew it.

LAWYER:  And one for Jenny and the wimp.

JENNY:  (THUMP!)  Ow!

HANK:  (THUMP!)  Oh!

LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations.  And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --

MRS. MULROY:  Oh, ah, I don't want nuthin'.

LAWYER:  -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared,
made me laugh, brought me tea --

MRS. MULROY:  Oh, I didn't mind.

LAWYER:  To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath...  a boot to the head.

MRS. MULROY:  (THUMP!)  Oh!

LAWYER:  And one for Jenny and the wimp.

JENNY:   (THUMP!)  Ah!

HANK:    (THUMP!)  Oh!

LAWYER:  And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast...  boot to the
head.

MITTENS:  (THUMP!)  Mroooow!

LAWYER:  And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave
not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil TO BE PLACED IN HIS
TROUSERS???  (growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh!  (panicking...) And, and, and
I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so
they can afford to move somewhere decent