It was during my 2nd senior year when Mom found Jesus Christ. His

spirit was trapped inside an old manischevitz bottle that Mom picked

out of the dumpster behind the 7-11. Mom brought the bottle inside and

sat it down on top of the TV. Then she told all of us kids to gather

round, and then she explained how Jesus lived in the bottle, and how,

if she wanted to, she could call him out to do her bidding. Sis said it

reminded her of an old TV show, and Mom slapped her and called her a

heretic. I didn't say anything, cause I just still remember the time

outside the Safeway, when it took 4 security guards to hold Mom down.



Jesus loves me, yes I know

For the Bible tells me so

When I'm weak he makes me strong

That's why I sing this song

If I die before I wake

Pray to him my soul don't take

Jesus loves me, yes I know



It wasn't long before people from all over the world started coming to

our house to see the bottle. At first I thought that this would make me

more popular at school. Instead it seemed to have the opposite result.

Kids would stop and point at me in the hallway and say, "There's the boy

whose mother keeps our savior cooped up in that tiny little bottle." And

then everybody started calling me 'Bottle boy'. And that really hurt. It

was also around this time that Mom began to attract some really weird

followers. Like that guy who never used deodorant and spoke only in

riddles. And that woman who collected 19th century hand made Amish

swimwear.



Jesus loves me, yes I know

For the Bible tells me so

When I'm weak he makes me strong

That's why I sing this song

If I die before I wake

Pray to him my soul don't take

Jesus loves me, yes I know



Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did

For she had a special bottle in which our savior lived

Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did

For she could unleash His vengeance by unfastening the lid



As the year went on, things went from bad to worse, and I realized that

if there wasn't a big change pretty soon, I'd never be able to get a

date for the prom. I couldn't go the year before because Mom belonged

to a church that considered dancing a one way ticket to Hell. But

that's a whole nother story. Anyway, by this point Mom had appeared on

the Richard Bey Show, A.M. Philadelphia and Geraldo, so there was

no use in me changing schools, since everybody knew who my Mom was.

Also we had to spend all the money from Mom's personal appearances to

hire a bodyguard, since by this point we were getting about 400 death

threats a day.



Jesus loves me, yes I know

For the Bible tells me so

When I'm weak he makes me strong

That's why I sing this song

If I die before I wake

Pray to him my soul don't take

Jesus loves me, yes I know



Then one night, I just couldn't stand it any more. While everyone else

was sleeping I crept downstairs. Slowly I went up to the bottle and

began to unfasten the lid. At first, nothing happened. But then the room

filled with a thick white smoke. I was glad my sister had taken the

batteries out of the smoke detector to put into her Walkman. When the

smoke cleared, I found myself face to face with the son of God, who was

much shorter than I had expected. He told me that since I'd freed Him,

He'd grant me one wish. And that's how I got to go to the prom with

Geena Davis. But you probably already read about that in People.



Jesus loves me, yes I know

For the Bible tells me so

When I'm weak he makes me strong

That's why I sing this song

If I die before I wake

Pray to him my soul don't take

Jesus loves me, yes I know



Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did

For she had a special bottle in which our savior lived

Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did

For she could unleash His vengeance by unfastening the lid

Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did

For she had a special bottle in which our savior lived

Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did

For she could unleash His vengeance by unfastening the lid