I Have A Sad Story To Tell You 
And It May Hurt Your Feelings A Bit 
My Wee Song Is Not Very Pleasant 
Cause It’s All On The Subject Of..... 

Shaving Cream, Be Nice And Clean 
Shave Ev’ry Day And You’ll Allways Look Clean
 
There Was An Old Woman Lived Near Us 
She Died In The Middle Of The Night 
And So To Fullfill Her Last Wishes 
She Was Burried In Six Foot Of..... 

My Sister Is Fond Of Her Knitting 
She Knits In The Bathroom Each Night 
One Time She Dropped All Her Stitches 
And The Landed In A Big Pile Of..... 

When I Was In France In The Army 
I Went And I Opened My Kit 
I Thought That I Might Have A Sandwich 
But The Darned Thing Was Full Up With..... 

Our Baby Fell Out Of The Window 
It’s Wee Head It Might Have Been Split 
But Our Child It Was Very Lucky 
For It Landed In A Big Pile Of..... 

And Now Friends My Story Is Ended 
I May’ve Hurt Your Feelings A Bit 
But If You Did Not Like My Wee Song 
Stick Your Head In A Big Pile Of.....