If your ass is a Chinese restaurant, 
I'll have the poo-poo platter

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. Class

Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked
my ass

I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
dig guys that are Queer 
guys that don't dig Chicks
that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be

Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo
homo phony

Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry,
Scoring with a super model would be easy

Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with
'super dumb'

Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and
soon I'd become

That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids
her hair
No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks 
dig guys that are Queer 
guys that don't dig Chicks
that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my
genes

The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by
Jimmy Dean

See I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer, so I could get chicks


Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or
Lewis

Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp
he talks like this

And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
dig guys that are Queer 
guys that don't dig Chicks 
dig guys that are Queer 
guys that don't dig Chicks 
dig guys that are Queer 
guys that don't dig Chicks 
that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly