When you called me a useless druggie

At least you got half of it right

When you called me a hopeless alcoholic

I'm only hopeless after nine at night

And when I said you came staggering home blind drunk

If I didn't you'd get terrible fright

And if this is the land of hope and glory

Where's the land of hope but not quite



I've been scruff bag, dirt bag, always someones binbag

But never been bono or sting

However I dressed never really impressed

So they never got to hear a damn thing

I've been bad man sad man certified mad

But never 007 or saint

Trendsetter go getter international jet setter

Are just a few things that I ain't



The time you told class I was a half wit

Was my very first 50 %

Previous best in any other test

Was either stolen copied or lent

And when you branded me and every single one of my mates

A waste of time and effort to teach

Why d'you give us sums if our only hope was bums

On someone else's deckchair and beach



I've been smart arse, mardy arse, on and off a lard arse

But never been a legend to god

New thing dumb thing even last year's thing

Headbang? - not even a nod!

I've been left-wing, secure-wing, lost stripes, gained winged

We've never caused a lady to faint

Wideboy, ladyboy, read it in the paper boy

A few things they said that I ain't



When popularity soared, hometown and abroad

I spent most of it trying to breathe in

Always ill at ease, too willing to please

An inferior life's bargain bin

When you come from a background of bargain bins

You're bound to fear it ends where it begins

So when nation adored we felt more of a fraud

And too phoney to celebrate wins



I've been scruffbag, dirtbag, always someones binbag

But never been Bono or Sting

However I dressed never really impressed

So they never got to hear a damn thing

I've been badman, sadman, certified mad

But never 007 or Saint

Trend-setter, go-getter, international jet-setter

Are just a few things that I ain't