What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm in a band, ladies can't you see
Please don't judge me by the car that I drive
Or the fact that I haven't had a date since '95

Come on, don't go away
Don't listen to your friends when they that I am gay
I try so hard but I just can't get no play
Don't have any STDs
Come on, I'm begging on my knees
Come on get close just ignore the fleas

We will take anything that walks . . .
Because we're desperate

I know I'm not a handsome man
Cuz I look like an ogre with a farmer's tan
And every time the ladies see me and I'm walking their way
They say, "Brian smells, everybody stay away"

Oh ladies, can't you see
I can't help it because I'm ugly
But I'm in a band, don't that count for something
Come on now, don't delay
Cuz if you don't call then I'll probably rent-a-date
And my tab keeps rising, cuz I do it every day
Oh ladies, can't you see
I'm in a band, why aren't you attracted to me?
I don't care if you're underage
Just as long as you'll be seen with me in a public place
What's it gonna take? (What's it gonna take?)
For you help me bake cookies?
Doo-wah-doo
Cuz I need to know
I'm all hot and ready
And I got to go . . .
Because we're desperate

Why oh why must I have this rash
No girls talk to me they just step back
Should I lift weights? Would that make me more sexual?
Maybe wear glasses would that make me intellectual?
Come on lets do it fast
Cuz I'm all hot and ready and it just wont last
And I got 20 dollars what can I get for that?