Three Ha'Pence a Foot



I'll tell you an old-fashioned story

That grandfather used to relate,

Of a builder and joining contractor

Who's name it were Sam Oswaldthwaite.



In a shop on the banks of the Irwell

There Sam used to follow his trade,

In a place you'll have heard of called Bury

You know, where black puddings is made.



One day Sam were filling a knot hole

With putty when in through the door,

Came an old man fair reeked i'whiskers

An th'old man said good morning I'm Noah.



Sam asked Noah what were his business

And t'old chap went on to remark,

That not liking the look of the weather

He was thinking of building an ark.



He'd got all the wood for the bulwarks

And all t'other shipbuilding junk,

Now he wanted some nice birds-eye maple

To panel the sides of his bunk.



Now maple were Sams monopoly

That means it were all his to cut,

And nobody else hadn't got none

So he asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.



A ha'penny too much replied Noah

Penny a foots more the mark,

A penny a foot and when rain comes

I'll give you a ride in my ark.



But neither would budge in the bargain

The whole thing were kind of a jam,

So Sam put his tongue out at Noah

And Noah made long bacon at Sam.



In wrath and ill-feeling they parted

Not knowing when they'd meet again,

And Sam 'ad forgot all about it

'Til one day it started to rain.



It rained and it rained for a fortnight

It flooded the whole countryside,

It rained and it still kept on raining

'Til th'Irwell were fifty miles wide.



The houses were soon under water

And folks to the roof had to climb,

They said t'was the rottenest summer

As Bury had had for some time.



The rain showed no sign of abating

And water rose hour by hour,

'Til th'only dry land were at Blackpool

and that were on top of the tower.



So Sam started swimming for Blackpool

It took him best part of a week,

His clothes were wet through when he got there

And his boots were beginning to leak.



He stood to his watch-chain in water

On tower-top just before dark,

When who should come sailing towards him

But old Noah steering his ark.



They stared at each other in silence

'Til ark were alongside all but,

Then Noah said what price yon maple

Sam answered three ha'pence a foot.



Noah said nay I'll make thee an offer

Same as I did t'other day,

A penny a foot and a free ride

Now come on lad what do thee say.



Three ha'pence a foot came the answer

So Noah his sail had to hoist,

And sail off again in a dudgeon

While Sam stood determined but moist.



So Noah cruised around flying his pigeons

'Til fortieth day of the wet,

And on his way home passing Blackpool

He saw old Sam standing there yet.



His chin just stuck out of the water

A comical figure he cut,

Noah said now whats the price of yon maple

And Sam answered three ha'pence a foot.



Said Noah you'd best take my offer

It's the last time I'll be hereabouts,

And if water comes half an inch higher

I'll happen get maple for nowt.



Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost you

And as for me Sam says don't fret,

Sky's took a turn since this morning

I think it'll brighten up yet.