I checked my box at AOL 
Somebody e-mailed me 
A chirpy voice said "You've got mail" 
Somebody e-mailed me 
But it's all crap from herbal quacks 
Tricks for dodging income tax 
Russian nymphomaniacs 
Somebody e-mailed me 

I got a computer for Christmas 
Eight zillion M.B. of RAM 
But I'm gettin' hostile for Christmas 
'Cause I'm gettin' nuttin' but spam 

"You've got mail"

I don't need loans from offshore banks 
Somebody e-mailed me 
I've never owned no septic tanks 
Somebody e-mailed me 
Old Iraq Most Wanted cards 
Kinky housewives' warm regards 
No-repayment Mastercards 
Somebody e-mailed me 

Oh, I'm gettin' freaked out for Christmas 
How do they know where I am? 
I'm gettin' ornery for Christmas 
'Cause I'm gettin' nuttin' but spam 

Ooh look,
They've got Viagra at half price 
Somebody e-mailed me 
A voodoo weight control device 
Somebody e-mailed me 
I don't need hidden camera stuff 
Donald Rumsfeld in the buff 
My kielbasa's long enough! 
Somebody e-mailed me 

Oh, I'm gettin' ticked off for Christmas 
Free pay-per-view is a scam 
And I'm gettin' angry for Christmas 
'Cause I'm gettin' nuttin' but spam 

So you better back off 
Whatever you do 
If I track you down I'm warning you 
I'll get postal for Christmas!

"You've got mail"