Twas the night before Christmas
And I'd gone to bed late
Lord only knows how much pizza I ate

Christmas Eve I dreamed that Santa was arrested
Yeah, they handcuffed him and they hauled him off to jail
Christmas Eve I dreamed that Santa was arrested
For crimes so bad they held him without bail

Cruelty to Reindeer was the first charge that they read
We got there just in time your Honor
He had nine of them hitched to a heavy sleigh
And abuse is indicated ones got a nose that's awfully red
And the prosecution had only just begun
OSHA closed his workshop down for safety violations
And there product liability claims for every toy built since creation
We found out he hires only Elf's and of course that's discrimination
He'll be put away for life before we're done
That sled is not air worthy
The FAA won't certify
He's over sixty with corrected vision therefore he should not fly
Why this could be the trail of the century
There's over ten billion instances of unlawful entry

Christmas Eve I dreamed that Santa was arrested
And not only for the things they claimed he did
Christmas Eve I dreamed that Santa was arrested
For being a poor roll model for kids

Why just look at him there your honor
He doesn't shave or cut his hair
And he grossly over weight and he only works one day a year
Now we all know he smokes tobacca
And they's fur on that suit he wears
We must protect our kids from men like this

Order, or, order in the court said the judge
I've heard enough about his crimes
And clearly this is a man who's out of step with modern times
But one of those houses he so often entered unlawfully was mine
And therefore all charges are dismissed

Oh, I woke up to the sound of Ho, Ho. Hoin'
Reindeer hoofs upon my roof and it was snowing
And as I watch him fly away it was good knowing
That some things that are politically incorrect can still be right
Merry Christmas to all and to all A Merry Christmas Eve goodnight
Must have been the pepperoni