So, anyway, now hear the sound
Of the very best rapper for miles around.
Yes, I'm the fellow who's where it's at
There's absolutely no denying that
Yes, I'm the apex, I'm the best
I'm considerably better than all the rest
The acme, the zenith, the tippest to the top
The nec plus ultra, the hippest to the hop
The summit, the pinnacle, the highest of the high
The apogee of rappers, that's I.
Well, I'm doing pretty well for myself right now
I'm pulling down about eighty thou'
My wife makes forty. She's a Vasser grad
And hey for a woman that's not half bad
So we're talking six figures here
But there's one thing I want to make crystal clear
I have to laugh and I have to scoff
When I hear people calling us "well off"
Anyone who thinks that we're sitting pretty
Doesn't know what it's like in the big bad city.
You gotta buy your apartment but the mortgage will be
A mere pittance compared to the maintenance fee.
To get a light bulb changed in the hall
Takes twenty seven men. It's a union call
The doorman, the mailman, the sanitation crew
The parking attendant and the cleaning lady too
The super and his helpers, they all get tips
and then we've gotta talk about the memberships.
The book club, the wine club, the health club fees
The fruit of the month club and the one for cheese
The Opera subscription, the museum and the zoo
The Sierra club, the ACLU.
There's the magazines to which you must subscribe
There's the plumbing inspector that you have to bribe
There's the parking space you have to rent or buy
There's the country house for the month of July.
You will never have money, you can never relax
With a federal, state and city income tax,
You can't do your own returns, oh no
You might end up paying what you owe.
Hey I'm no Bonnie and I'm no Clyde
I'm just trying to get along on the Ungh Upper West Side
Now anyone will tell you that you're a fool
If you don't send your kids to a private school
And no one living here would even think
Of trying to get along without seeing a shrink
A yoga class every other day
Helps chase the subway blues away
Not to mention the blues from the doctor bills
And the root canals and the various pills.
Your daughter takes flute and dancing too
Your son takes piano, guitar and kung fu
The baby's allergic to cotton, not silk
The cat can only drink gerbal milk
A baby sitter here, if she's got half a brain
Can make more money then the governor of Maine
OK I know that's not hard to do
But I think my message is getting through
You got a lot to loose, you got a lot to hide
When you're trying to get along on the Ungh Upper West Side
On Sundays to give my wife a treat
The kids and I used to hit the street
We'd grab some donuts and head for the park
Sometimes we wouldn't come back till dark
Well that was only fair I freely acknowledge
But, hey now our kids are both in college
Yet here I am still out on the street
Soaking up rain and killing my feet
By walking this dog all over the place
So my wife can have her precious space
Is this High Noon, I'm Gary Cooper
Facing the world with a pooper scooper?
In New York City they always say
You can get anything any time of day
But you're looking at a man who can't get what he wants
Zay Bars is out of chocolate croissants
The Book Review was missing from The Times
The Korean Market is out of limes
The pool hall here closed up last week
To make room for another ice cream boutique.
You don't know a thing about suffering and pain
If you haven't tried to catch a taxi in the rain
And you can wait for a bus half an hour or more
'Cause they like to travel in gangs of four.
Your folks come to town, you want to take in a show
Hey you should have bought your tickets a year ago
Seeing foreign films is a hobby of mine
But now you pay a fortune to stand in line
And to get in a theatre that seats twenty-nine
And listen to Vivaldi one more time.
Well, the time has come to say "Au revoir"
I promised I'd move my sister's car
My end so to speak begins
With an interlocking theme in the violins
Sounds pretty good but a little bare
Let's get the violas in there
Now cellos and basses in you go
It's time to add the continuo
Well, that's about it, that's how it ends
But remember this my provincial friends
You may think you're knowledgeable, but you're not
In fact you don't know diddly squat
So don't go judging carelessly
If you lived here you'd be just like me
I've got no shame, but I've got my pride
I'm just trying to get along on the Upper Upper Upper West Side
Upper Upper Upper West Side...