Once I was eaten by a man-eating great white shark
Once I was crushed by an anvil when it fell from the 
sky
Once an old man in a wicker chair smote me with his 
mind powers
Once I leapt off a cliff when I thought I could fly

But of all the things that happened, being shot or 
boiled in hot grease
Yeah, of all the things that happened
They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's 
hairpiece

Once I was pursued across the Bering Strait by mafiosa 
eskimos
I had two tons of uranium surgically embedded in my 
head
I was chewed upon by hungry kittens of a rare Siberian 
white tiger
Scary guys from Fiji made me use a hot volcano for my 
bed

But of all the things that happened, being stoned or 
insulted by my niece
Yeah of all the things that happened
They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's 
hairpiece

Uncle Earl is not known for his hygiene
Oooh Chaka Khan
He has the aroma of old cod
Zeegan za Fleegan
He's perfected perfuse perspiration
Sweaty uncle! Bleah bleah!
Believe me his flavor's very odd

I found myself on the business end of Genghis Khan's 
wrath
My innards were consumed by a virulent alien bacteria
My poor brain was pureed when I tried to do math

But of all the things that happened, licking feet or 
chewing on fleece
Yeah of all the things that happened
They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's 
hairpiece

Once I was blindsided by a hurricane and carried off to 
fairyland
I spent six long years employed as a dummy that they 
used for crashing cars
I was slowly stalked and taken out by poorly wardrobed 
culinary ninjas
I was punished for my jokes and exiled to the darker 
side of Mars

But of all the things that happened, being gonged or 
mistaken by Maurice
Yeah of all the things that happened
They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's 
hairpiece

It was sitting on the kitchen table
I mistook it for a corn soufflé
I had eaten nearly seven-twelfths of that wretched 
thing
Before I realized my mistake!

Looks like hair
Feels like hair
Tastes like hair
Not real hair
I don't wanna eat hair