Not long ago I went through the gate of dreams

I came to the famous City of Destruction

Where now a shuttle runs to the Emerald City

With air miles and big group reductions

So I went to the ticket office where Evangelist sat

And reserved seats through credit card calls

I said ' How does it feel now they changed your job?'

He said 'Now I don't feel anything at all'



As we moved off I looked down on the Myre of Despair

From a bridge that passed a thousand miles above

Its legs were made of books that they'd thrown into the mud

And the books were of philosophy and love

As we reached the Hill of Difficulty, we waited for a climb

They'd dug a tunnel through the center of the stone

And with the excess rock, well the valley became landfill

Where once you'd had to walk down there alone



    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

     For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For all those who seek the truth but don't have the time to get there

    Don't have the time to get there



The train ride felt so smooth that I put my feet up

Barely noticing the motion of the carriage

The stewardess was Prudence with her sister Charity

For fifteen grand they'd sell their hands in marriage

And just as we were entering the Valley of Death

I expected to be plunged into the darkness

But the company had floodlit the underground gloom

Taken care not to make this place seem joyless



    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For all those with the money, just tender up the fare

    Just tender up the fare



It looked like we stopped at the mouth of Hell itself

But they said it was a now-extinct volcano

And if you'd seen the demons seemed to emanate from there

You'd have taken the guidebook at its say so

But some of my companions they would not get back in

They'd heard that heaven it was vastly over-rated

The weather here was warmer, and drinking was allowed

And they thought they'd see us come back here much later



    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    You could be home by now, if you lived there

    If you lived there



After boarding no new passengers we went upon our way

Past the place where Pope and Pagan ruled with terror

But now the giant Scientology had eaten them for breakfast

And bought all the property around her

At a city called Vanity we stayed for the night

Where one's every whim was catered for and sated

The shuttle brought prosperity and business in its wake

And an attitude that never gets outdated



    So all aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For all those seeing double, just tender up the fare

    Just tender up the fare



So Charming was the city with its profitable fair

The inhabitants claimed it was the only heaven

And said that only dreamers ever venture beyond its gates

And go to that land of Never-Never

And in this city an education came without a school

The shops sold one alongside praise and honor

Reputations and honour went on sale at the fair

And conscience could buy almost any of them



    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    The most efficient way to go, it's the best way to get there

    It's the best way to get there



And I stayed in the city, til I became like those

Who lived there and abandoned their old questions

Til I saw some pilgrims who'd walked the journey's length

Standing at the edge of its dimensions

'Friend let me tell you' said the Speaker to my ear

'The whole concept of the shuttle is a Bubble

You can pay the fare and travel for the rest of your life

You'll never get anywhere but trouble

Cos the train is only progress and it isn't a roundtrip

And just in case the whole thing should explode

The Lord of the Good City he will never let you in

And he grants no kind of permit to the railroad'



I got back on the train and my companions they were few

My hopes with the suburbs disappearing

We saw the Silver Mine and the Castle of Despair

And we saw our destination it was nearing

Saw the gates of that fair city, beyond a river lay

A blinding light shone from the other side

A ferry boat was waiting to carry us over

It was built of paper and everybody died



    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    For all those who want the truth but have no time to get there

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    Just say what you've got, we'll sell you a fare

    All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle

    We'll look after you so good that you won't wanna get there

    You won't wanna get there