John Kirkpatrick
John Kirkpatrick - Eddie Baker's Muckspreader songtekst
Je score:
Now in My-tholm-royd in Yorkshire, one Saturday in June All the village was preparing for the fete that afternoon There were sideshows, stalls and roundabouts and every kind of game But the village fete will never now be quite the same For this pleasant country scene was transformed by a machine Which belonged to Eddie Baker from the farm just down the road With his tractor and his trailer and his load both sweet and pure Five hundred imperial gallons of best liquified manure Cho: Down the road went Eddie Baker in his rattling old boneshaker And he never knew the trail he left behind him Now Eddie quickly picked up speed on the track from Lower Lumb Farm Though his load careered madly he never thought 'twould come to harm And so noisy was the clatter and the crashes and the booms He had to turn his old transistor up so he could hear the tunes As he zoomed across a bump it triggered off the trailer's pump And its hose discovered freedom it had never known before It waved wildly round and round, from side to side and up and down As spreading dung and desperation, Eddie sailed into the town Now Jemima Smith and Barney from down the old folks' home Were on their way to a lunchtime tipple at the Peacock and Trombone She was adjusting of her spectacles to a admire a garden rose When a blast from Eddie's onslaught whipped 'em right from off her nose 'Oh, gawd', says old Jemima, 'I've just had a funny turn Oo , I feel or cold and clammy and how my skin does burn' 'Oh, speak up, dear', says Barney, as together they did cling 'It's short-circuited me deaf-aid, I can't hear a bleeding thing Now the Icecream Factory Silver Band were warming up to play To commence the celebrations of that very special day When there appeared on their music dots they couldn't play too well As with the gentle tang of Brasso mingled a new exciting smell And their tunes all went awry as they hung 'em out to dry And the sousaphone player played his last 'cause he sucked when he should have blowed There were different tunes in different times and all in different keys And 'Nellie the Elephant' sounded more like 'The Flight of the Bumble Bee' Now the greasy pole was greasier than ever known before And the ice cream had a chocolate sauce no palate could ignore And into the coffee-coloured candy-floss Grannie Walker plunged her teeth And for evermore the ones on top were stuck to the ones beneath And in the tug-o-war there were broken bones galore There was blood all round the bottle stall as both teams slithered through There was chaos round the cake stall and the tea was more like glue 'Cause you didn't just get sugar when they asked, 'One lump or two?' Now Geraldine the Carnival Queen was looking all forlorn She got browner than she bargained for as she sunbathed on the lawn And it gave a fatal heart attack to next-door's Pekinese Whilst upon its back a skating match took place among its fleas And the force of the cascade swept through the goldfish of Miss Blade Right up into the hanging basket down at number twenty-three And it dumped the Johnson's tortoise in the bird bath at the Jones' And wiped the smile right off the faces of their plastic garden gnomes Now the Reverend Roderick Butterworth was sitting down to eat When the perilous plague of pestilence came belting down the street Some of it fell among the thorns, some fell on stony ground And some fell on his car outside with all his windows down 'Oh, bugger!', said the vicar, as he swigged some demon liquor 'I suppose we should be thankful that it's not St Swithin's Day But even my insurance doesn't cover act of God And I know the scouts are going to say, "Stuff this for bob-a-job"' So he trundled through the village, down the road and past the hall And where he'd been for years after all the weeds grew ten feet tall And he never knew the chaos that he'd caused along his way And he never heard the crashes as he crossed the motorway And in time he'll dwell on high in that great muckheap in the sky Where St Peter'll dive for cover every time he passes by It'll rust up all their haloes, it'll clog up all their wings As, wiping shit from off their faces, all the angels they will sing