"The man they call the Pharoah of Filth
The man they call the Maestro of M*sturbation
The man with the stickiest handshake in Croydon this 
evening...
Mr. Ivor Biggun"
"Croydon I love you. Good evening Croydon!
I'm in the mood tonight
I'm feeling horny tonight
I'm feeling so horny that 
The crack of dawn had better watch it
That's how horny I feel
Alright... here we go..."
Well I feel like w*nking
Feel like w*nking all the time
I said I feel like w*nking
I Feel like w*nking all the time... I do
Well I feel like w*nking
W*nking is a hobby of mine
I feel so good
I feel so fine
I've got nothing but w*nking
On my mind
Said I feel like w*nking
Feel like w*nking all the time... I do
Said I feel like w*nking
W*nking is a hobby of mine
Now cook my vegetables baby 
Won't you cook 'em good 'n' cook 'em hot
Now cook my vegetables baby 
Won't you cook 'em good and cook 'em hot
'Cause when I stick in my meat
I overflow the pot
Tell me, tell me
Now do you feel like w*nking
Now do you feel like w*nking
Do you feel like w*nking
Do you feel like w*nking
Well I feel like w*nking
'Cause w*nking is a hobby of mine
Now I'm a footballer baby and I'm wearing them football 
boots..
Now I'm a footballer baby and I'm wearing them football 
boots..
You know I stick me centre forward
And I dribble before I shoot..
chorus
I feel bad now
I'll feel better in a minute
I'll hold my hand right there
And stick my pl*nker in it
'Cause I feel like w*nking
Feel like w*nking all the time
"I'm a bit of a tosser really"
You know I feel like w*nking
W*nking is a hobby of mine