I hate to brag about my fam'ly but I must say that
My father is the greatest man who ever wore a hat
He always took things easy in an easy sort of way
And when it came to taking things, just kindly let me say

[1st chorus:]
No one could do it like my father!
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father!
Other men might do the same
But when it came to make a name
No one could do it like my dad!

[2nd verse:]
At keeping servant girls, my father always was an ace!
He had a certain way to keep the ladies in their place
Their place was in the kitchen and his place to keep them there
I don't know how he did it but I really must declare

[2nd chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
Servants liked the cops, of course
So father joined the police force
No one could do it like my dad

[3rd verse:]
One night papa went in to see that great Salome dance
You talk about attention, say! he gave her ev'ry glance
He has my mother dancing now, her brain is in a whirl
And only here last week he came home with a string of pearls

[3rd chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
Now he always stays at home
Mama has learned that dance Salome
No one could do it like my dad

[4th verse:]
My mother weighs three hundred pounds but don't give it away
She bought a brand new sheath gown and she wore it yesterday
My father showed his dignity when mother showed her sock
Then just to make the two ends meet he used a big padlock

[4th chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
Neighbor Jones and his neighbor Lee
Are hunting for my father's key
And no one could do it like my dad

[5th verse:]
I haven't told you how my father and my mother wed
She was an old maid, he a burglar underneath her bed
She flashed a gun at father and said, "I must be your wife"
My father wears a medal now for saving someone's life

[5th chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
Mother thinks a lot of pa
But father drinks to think of ma
And no one could do it like my dad

[6th chorus:]
The other night when pa came home, he found to his surprise
The iceman and my mother on the sofa making eyes
He did not get excited, no! not one word did he say
But when the iceman's bill came due, papa refused to pay

[6th chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
Father proved he was no slouch
He fooled them all when he sold the couch
And no one could do it like my dad

[7th verse:]
When father went to school they tell me he was very bad
They also say he had a purpose to make teacher mad
She'd make him stay in after school and pa would ne'er refuse
For when it came to helping teacher tie her dainty shoes:

[7th chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
Teacher knew a thing or two
She always wore a low cut shoe
No one could do it like my dad

[8th verse:]
We lived right by a railway station not so far from here
And father would make faces at the passing engineers
They'd all throw coal at father, yes they would upon my soul
And when the winter came around we never needed coal

[8th chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
First he got coal one by one
And now he sells it by the ton
And no one could do it like my dad

[9th verse:]
Around election time my father never knows his name
Sometimes it's Breen, or Smith, or Green, Gilhouley or McShane
Then other times it's Harrigan, O'Connor, or O'Dell
They ought to call him "Winchester" 'cause he repeats so well

[9th chorus:]
No one could do it like my father
Ever clever, stunning, cunning father
When you see him change his coat
You know that means another vote
And no one could do it like my dad