[1st verse:]
Ev'ry nation, ev'ry band, they own a band they think is grand
And they all adore the hand that leads the band around
But of all the hurdy gurdy bands I've heard
I'll say a word of a certain funny bird
Of a certain band I found

[chorus:]
You ought to hear the music queer that comes from Hiram's band
The notes of blue, so blue that you could never understand
It's worth a half a dollar to hear old Hiram holler
One, two, three, go
You ought to be around and see the faces that they made
Each ruben's face all out of place with ev'ry note they take
When they hear them passing by, the ladies sigh, the babies cry
Cats and dogs lay down and die when they hear old Hiram's band

[2nd verse:]
Talk about your Creatores who get encores with opera scores
Hiram plays them all outdoors and makes them all look sick
Sick enough sometimes to die, you can't deny
And if you try any time you're passing by
He can show you gosh darn quick

[2nd chorus:]
You ought to hear the music queer that comes from Hiram's band
The notes of blue, so blue that you could never understand
He makes Philip Suser look like a march-abuser
One, two, three, go
You'd laugh I swear, if you were there and heard the way we cheered
When Hiram's thin old violin got tangled in his beard
Any time the band appears, each neighbor clears away in tears
Ma wears earmuffs on her ears after hearing Hiram's band