Maybe I'll get chicks if I play guitar!
I'd jam on my bass, smile for the camera
Scream my lungs out in chorus and stanza
I'd rock my Old Navy, which I think is cool
BUT I DON'T HAVE A MOHAWK LIKE TOFER MQUELL!
Yeah!
And now I know what it takes to be.
A hit with the ladies.
But seems so plain to see!
It's so different to me!
100 pounds over and two strings to short.
From dating a girl I deem worthy to court.
I'm trying so hard that my hearts gonna burst.
CAUSE I CAN'T GET A GIRLFRIEND UNLESS CHUBBY DATES HER 
FIRST!
Yeah!
And now I know what it takes to be.
A hit with the ladies.
But seems so plain to see!
It's so different to me!
GO!
It's time to rip on Thomas Gun.
I Can't decide on what about.
Although this song is just for fun.
He might get mad and slit my throat.
I gotta be cool, I'm not willing to change.
You say be yourself, well you must be deranged.
If I must be an asshole to just get a chick.
Well come over here sweetheart and SUCK ON MY DICK!
YEAH!
And now I know what it takes to be.
A hit with the ladies.
But that's definitely not me!
Cause I don't play guitar you see!
I don't play guitar you see!
I-DON'T-PLAY-FUCKING-GUITAR!