People often ask me
“God Forbid' they say,
“You're quite the ladies man,
what's your secret?'

Well,
You too can be swimmin' in women
Afloat in seas of ovaries
But more importantly
Knowing whether behind those pretty eyes
You have a diamond in the rough
Or colored contact lenses and a *whirling* rough 
striper named diamond

Lets recreate the scene make believe you're at a table 
seat
Talking playfully to the waitress at your local place 
to eat
Way beneath the apron,
maybeline,
smell of eggs and cheese,
bacon grease
she's a babe
and eight at least
you want to push the plate of quesadillas of the table 
and spread them angel's wings,
but you can't say a thing?

If you don't do well with women,
They sell prescription drugs on television
May cause loss of appetite
Malnutrition,
Dizzy spells,
And different bells are ringing,
And that's where I come in and give ‘em a little extra 
help to get ‘em

(You can't get)
You see confidence is key to any situation
(In her pants)
We all have insecurities
So why not build your confidence on the insecurities of 
others
(But you don't)
Hey, she's going to *bonk* somebody
(Give a damn)
So why not you.

The drunker you are,
The easier it is to get laid,
But the harder it is to *boink*
You may have to picture what it is this months
Whoever you've been think of
The girl at the Pizza Hut
Midgets,
Nuns,
What ever little miss it was.
And with a little hard work
A little luck
If you happen to give enough
Maybe you can get it off.

Now a *boink* is supposed to be fun
Instant gratification, a roller coaster (whee!)
But no one wants to get stuck over and over,
Going home to the roller coaster
Its hard to watch your shows,
And do your homework
And when the ride you rode is over

(You can't get)
Pull out
I know how warm and good it feels
(In her pants)
But its getting crowded round here
Please, pull out
(But you don't)
If its not the one you want to stay with
You can avoid the face,
(Give a damn)
But not the abbreviation
Taking payments from your paycheck
You can do it, pull out

Men have what I call a “Columbus Complex'
Other people may have been there,
But we still want to feel like we discovered it
So don't tell the number that you done it with
Your summers in Columbia
When you were young and done a bunch of dumber 
sh*boing*
Rambunctious kids!
Wait for the second date to cuff the wrists
Sponges, rubber gloves, and whips, oven mitts
Now a well trimmed personal area, that' nice
But why's she so ready?
You don't suppose
She never knows
When she might show somebody?
Now think about that before you go steady,
Or maybe at your own wedding.

(You can't get)
If she's your girlfriend
Leave her alone with your friends
(In her pants)
Now, I don't expect no virgin,
But let ‘em try to screw her
If she's flirting, or *sound of cartoon feet*
(But you don't)
It won't work man,
Get rid of her
And get yourself a new girlfriend
Remember,
(Give a damn)
The guaranteed exchange rate,
At this party she's an eight,
At the club a seven,
At my apartment a 10.
Environment dictates.
The morning after,
She may slip to a three
Cause some things are better just to lust for.

This conclude the introductory segment of the God 
Forbid self-help collection

Hey, sleep with other races
Help out international relations.

For further behavioral instructions, consult the 
nearest strip club, and/or liquor store

(If it's not the one you want
just let it go)

Thank you, and enjoy yourself