Oh I was walking round my local store
I was searching for the ten pence off Lenor
When suddenly I bumped into this guy
On seeing who it was I gave a cry
“Fuckin' ‘Ell, It's Fred Titmus”

Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park
When all at once she saw her husband Mark
Well he was with a man down by the stream
So Jane and baby both began to scream
“Fuckin' ‘Ell, It's Fred Titmus”

Oh as the train pulled into platform three
I looked around for my best girl to see
As she disembarked I didn't seem to care
Cos someone passed who made me stop and stare

Oh Dracula comes from Transylvania
Stevie nicks books about kleptomania
Johnny looks out of his bedroom window and
Shouted to his mum “Fred Titmus”