I can recall the day quite clearly. A Friday, in July. 
A sweltering eighty degrees. Martin Jarvis was 
completing his week in Dictionary Corner; he'd been 
reassuringly average. Somewhere in the Shires, surgeons 
had entered the mind of Mr Stinchcombe and found black 
apes, gibbering on dark lawns. I'd spent the afternoon 
becoming increasingly frustrated with the grooming 
agitator on my lime Dyson. I was due in Parbold at 
seven fifteen, and wasn't going to make it. Telephoning 
the person who needed to know this, I found myself 
caught up on a crossed line, something I'd not 
experienced for years. I listened in with quiet 
delight.
It appeared that someone called Bill, whilst out 
walking the bounds that morning, had looked in to Top 
Acre, and been horrified to see the almost visible 
ribcage of a foal, which belonged to the straggle-
haired girl from Keepers Cottage, whose name, if this 
was a Helen Fielding novel, would be something like 
"Martha Flanagan". But the countryside is never as 
romantic as townsfolk believe it to be, and the girl's 
name was Karen Henderson. On closer inspection of the 
poor emaciated beast, it was agreed that a visit upon 
the child's father was in order. Not a mission to 
relish apparently, as the man in question was affected 
by a strange disquiet, which gnawed away at his faith, 
and it was rumoured his days were spent sucking on the 
bleached bones of his dead mates, whilst writing songs 
for the hospice - one of which goes like this:
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Oh sucking on the bleached bones
Of my dead mates
Trying to get to Parbold
For a quarter past seven
And it isn't gonna happen
Hospice, I think you're marvellous
Hospice, I sing your praises
On high days and holidays
I big you up on high days and holidays
I hear you go on some good outings
I'd like to go on one of your outings
Please take me with you on one of your outings
I heard you're going to Billing Aquadrome
I hear you're going to Billing Aquadrome
I've never been to Billing Aquadrome
Let me go with you to Billing Aquadrome
Please let me go to Billing Aquadrome
I'll be busking this at Embankment
I'll be busking this at Embankment
I'll be busking this at Embankment tube tomorrow...
January the sixth. Epiphany.