Was I sick on your couch?
I can't quite remember, didn't mean to offend you
At least I'm not as bad as last week
That is, according to rumour
And the list of folk whom I appalled
You don't ask what's the matter with me
Or why I don't stop crying
You just get the wine
And in addition to every faux pas
And emotional scar
I forgot to ask you how you are

But that's what friends are for
To gather what's left of me off the floor
And to get me to my front door
So many regrets and times I forget about you
And you're still here

But I've never been, not ever been
I've never been the best of friends
I've never been the best of friends

I smoked all your fags
When I said I was quitting, I meant I quit buying
My phone bill's enormous from calling to bore you
With the latest adventure or potential romantic disaster
I've never remembered your birthday
And then I abuse you when you fail to turn up to my gigs
It doesn't mean I don't love you to bits
And it's not a sexual thing
Though I might try it on when I'm pissed

But that's why friends exist
To put up with shit to a daily degree
When a lesser man would hate me
So many parades I've managed to rain on
Christ knows why you're still here

'Cos it buggers me, you fail to see
I've never been the best of friends
I've never been the best of friends

Gushing about you to third-party crowds
In a drinking location is small consolation
Nor never recalling to call just to say
How I adore the way
You let me get away with blue murder
A saint would have had it by now
Erased me from their mobile,
Moved house, changed their number and name
I'd give you the world
If for only one minute I'd remember
That it didn't revolve around me

How the hell can you be
When it takes me five verses to say what I feel
There's something in my eye
It might be my hair, but it's probably my pride
Please do me honour of saying you ought to
Forgive me for driving you right round the bend
Being your friend
Your emotional friend
Your so bloody difficult friend

Lucky for me that we're friends
Sorry for you that we're friends
Oh God I still hope that we're friends