My wife and I were planning a romantic spring vacation
I must admit the concept came from my own instigation
Knowing that my honey was afraid to take a plane
I said "Let's go to Portland on the Coastal Starlight Train"
We drove to San Francisco, took the bus to Emeryville
Caught the train to Sacramento, that's where everything stood still...

At two a.m. they woke us up to say we'd all be bussing
We tried to get some sleep amid the crying and the cussing
The bus rolled into Klamath Falls at 8:15 a.m.
And a mere two hours later we was down the track again

Dear Amtrak – I want my money back
If I ever get off of this train, I a'int never gonna get back on again
Your railroad is the shits - they got better service on the way to Auschwitz
Oh yeah; oh yeah

The conductor was the biggest jerk I'd met in all my life
The waitresses were meaner than my nastiest ex-wife
The glossy brochure told us that the food was fresh and hardy
But it tasted just like leftovers from the Donner Party
The mattresses were paper thin, the bed just two feet deep
But it doesn't really matter 'cuz they never let you sleep

Dear Amtrak – I want my money back
If I ever get off of this train, I a'int never gonna get back on again
And now you done closed the bar, I coulda got better service on a cattle car
Oh yeah; oh yeah

On the way back home from Portland the engine suddenly stopped
Like a scene from a Wes Craven film right before they all get chopped
The power died, the lights went off and everything went black
By that time I was certain we was never getting back
A voice came on the speaker just to tell us what's the scoop
You can't eat and you can't drink and you can't pee and you can't poop

Dear Amtrak – I want my money back
I must've been quite insane, to think about riding on a railroad train
If you know what's good for you, just stay home and have yourself a BBQ
Oh yeah; oh yeah