Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
And I came to this hall
Me and my girlfriend, we came here
Lookin' to ball

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place
In New York City

Chorus:
NO SHIT!

Mark:
How true that is!

Howard:
Oh, how true indeed

Mark:
Yeah, me and my,
Me and my girlfriend, we come here
Every Friday 'n Saturday night looking for that
Hot romance we need
We like to get it on-
Do you like to get it on, too?

Howard:
Well now, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well, I'll tell ya
Well I get off bein' juked
With a baby octopus
And spewed upon with creamed corn . . .
An' my girlfriend, she digs it
With a hot Yoo-hoo bottle
While somebody's screamin':
CORKS 'N SAFETIES
PIGS 'N DONKEYS
ALICE COOPER, baby . . .
WAAAAH!

Bob:
Well, it gets me so hot
I could scream

Chorus:
ALICE COOPER, ALICE COOPER! WAAAAH!
ALICE COOPER, ALICE COOPER! WAAAAH!

Howard:
You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Mna-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa . . .
Magic Fingers in the bed (Picture it!)
Wall-mounted TV screens
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Chorus:
(What kind of girl?)
What kind of girl do you think we are?
(What kind of girl?)
What kind of girl do you think we are?
(I ain't no groupie)
Don't call us groupies
That is going too far
(What kind of girl?)
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts!

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet!
With a bullet!
Just let me put a little more
Rancid Budweiser on my beard right now, baby
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you
Might be thrilled and
Overwhelmed by me, ho-ho . . .

Mark:
What hotel did you say you were staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy . . .
There's one thing I gotta say

Chorus:
We want a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts