Ladies and gentlemen of the class of the 99

Drink beer

If I could offer you only one tip for the future

Beer would be it.

The long term benefits of beer have been proven by scientists

Whereas the rest

advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering expierince



I will despense this information now



You are as fat as you imagiane

You really do look like your drivers license picture

Do something about it

No one wants to date a fat pig

If insertiting a 7 inch iced tea spoon down your throat to induce vomiting is what it takes

Well then so be it

Do one  thing everyday that makes your mother ashamed

Don't floss

Wayward pieces of parsly and beef in your teeth really don't look that bad

You've already had your turn of living in New York

So leave

Now

You're wasting space

And breathing up all of our oxygen

Go live in Northern California

But leave before you simultaniously die in an earthquake and a gang related shooting



Sometimes you'll be ahead

Sometimes you'll be behind

Sometimes you'll be on top

Sometimes you'll be on bottom

Smoke ciggarettes with reckless abandon

When your speaking through hole throat

You can always sue the tabbacco company

And say 

I did not know it was bad for me

After all

Ill gotten game is what it's all about

Maybe you'll married

Maybe you won't

But most likely you'll end up divorced

With a litter of children 

With 8 different mothers 

Spending the rest of your life selling rip off Gucci bags outside court authority

To pay off alimony and child support.

Dont even try to dance

You're a guy for godsake

Not even the electric slide at a wedding

Read GQ magazine and strive to look like the guy on the cover

Undergo elective reconstructive plastic surgery including lipo suction and penis enlargement

Make fun of old people

It's fun

And understand that friends will stab you in the back for price of an extra value meal

And the flame broiled isn't always better

Nevermind

But trust me on the beer.