You will need to arrive at a quarter to five
If your plane is departing at ten
When you called for a seat, we advised you to meet
At the gate and we'd let you know then.

The seats are so teeny you'll sit like Houdini
Be quiet and listen to this
If we should fall in a fiery ball
Kiss your own ass good-bye, then your kids.

On the plane, on the plane
You will do exactly as we say
You'll remain in your seat
With your bags at your feet
Till the speech is complete on the plane.

If we sit on the runway from now until Monday
Well, all we can say is "too bad"
Up front there's free liquor and they get there quicker
So those folks are not quite as mad.

You've paid your dinero, this movie's just fair
Oh, but here comes the part that's so good
Then the pilot will cut in; "We can't see Cleveland
But if it weren't cloudy, we could."

On the plane all is well
Just think of it as practicing for hell
I'm in five, you're in four
You lean back anymore
you'll be shoved out the door of the plane.

We are not responsible for...anything
And everything can go wrong
We really don't know where we'll go or when
And you may never see your bags again
Such a shame, on the plane.

Your carry on stuff has to fit in this box
If it doesn't and you make us wait
You'll be pulled from the line with a hook from behind
And then beaten and shot at the gate.

The air that you're breathing's been re-circulating
Since Orville and Wilbur were boys
If you should choke, here's a thimble of coke
You do realize that coughing annoys?

On the plane, on the plane
People are we perfectly insane
The skies are not so friendly
Delta isn't ready
I prefer the bus
USAIR begins with US
It's truly torturous
On the plane...on the plane.