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(from the LP "The Pick of Billy Connolly")


TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER WILL NEVER DIE.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you,

Oh yes, Laura and I were lovers for a long time ladies and gentlemen
'Til God took her away for a special purpose of his very own.
I must admit I was a bit cheesed off at the time.
I had a special purpose in mind myself.
But there you go.

Oh, sure, we'd lovers tiffs like anybody else.
Like the time, in a moment of weakness, I sunk
and I bought a dirty magazine.
And in that magazine, ladies and gentlemen,
I read about erogenous zones.
In a very sly way, ladies and gentlemen,
I invited Laura over to my place, ostensibly for coffee and cookies.
And we were sitting on the sofa,
and we were necking, ladies and gentlemen, necking.
And I guess I must have touched one of her erogenous zones,
ladies and gentlemen,
Because she kneed me in one of mine.

TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER
WILL NEVER DIE.

Oh ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you,

How could I ever forget
that day God took Laura away for a special purpose of his own.
We were downtown shopping for Laura's mum.
She wanted some rubber bedclothes and an inflatable man.
Strange woman Laura's mum.
But anyhow, we were walking hand in hand down Main Street
When a child ran onto the road, ladies and gentlemen.
I said "Oh my God, my nerves!" and I covered my eyes
I guess I'm that kind of guy.
But Laura, who was made of stronger stuff than I,
dashed onto the road to save that child.

Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell you,
the child made it to the other side
and turned round and said "Eee eu eee-e eh-eu"
but Laura didn't.
She made it to the white line in the centre of the road,
ladies and gentlemen,
when a juggernaut came around the corner sideways and flattened her.

TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
(I blame myself, I blame myself)
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER
WILL NEVER DIE.

Oh ladies and gentlemen, how can I tell you,

Some nights I lie awake, awash with sweat,
as I hear the exact noise those lorries made when they flattened Laura
It was a sorta "SPLAT"
You know the noise you get
When you stick a straw up a frogs bum and blow really hard
I blame myself

I wanna tell you, ladies and gentlemen
Main Street was not a pretty sight
There was bits of Laura everywhere
I remember, two bits were sliding down the post office window
And a big Alsatian came around the corner
and made off with another couple of bits
And it was with a heavy heart
And a tear in either eye
I searched, and I searched
but I couldn't find the bit I was looking for!

TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
MY LOVE FOR HER
WILL NEVER DIE