Do I attract you,
Do I repulse you
With my greasy beard?
And is my perving
Slightly un-nerving?
Yes, I'm a little bit weird

I can be gentle
I can be mental
I am repulsive and camp
Nobody likes me
Nobody likes me
I am an hideous tramp

My name is Matthew Kelly
I used to do Stars In Their Eyes
Till I was sacked from the telly
After some peodophile lies

I was accused
Of having abused
A twelve-year-old child
He was molested
I was arrested
There was a high-profile trial

I was acquitted
No crime was committed
The jury believed my excuse
This song is over
I've gotta go before
Somebody sues.