When I was six years old, my sister Alison
asked for a stove for her birthday.
A miniature one you could actually could with
and my mum was nice and she bought one.
Alison needed a reason to bake something, barged in my room and she grabbed me.
She said "I made a cake and we're going next door
to Sam Leinstein's and you're getting married."
The cake was burnt.
It tasted gross.
She made me kiss him.
On the mouth.
Now I am 33, I'm married happily,
no plans in life and I'm planning to keep it
that way. I do kissing with only one mission;
do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission.
And I've already spent too much time
doing things I didn't want to,
so if I just wanna make out all the time,
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to.
When I was 9, I was kind of a loser,
the kids in my class didn't like me.
Melanie Showers; the meanest of all,
and my mom made me go to her party.
Nobody talked to me,
I sat there quietly,
drawing with crayons on a napkin
a picture of Melanie, skewered with a pitchfork,
her legs getting eaten by lions.
The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
in my room.
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
and I go to bars all the time and I sit there
and I order red wine and I write
and I like being alone around people,
yes, that's how I like it.
And I've already spent too much time
doing things I didn't want to.
So if I wanna sit her and write and drink wine,
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to.
Yes, I come here often.
Sure, I'll have another one.
Yes, I come here often.
Sure, I'll have another one.
But I don't have to talk to you!
When I was seventeen
I was a blow job queen,
picking up tips from the masters.
I was so busy perfecting my art,
I was clueless to what they were after.
Now I'm still a blow job queen (far more selectively)
I don't make love now to make people love me.
But I don't mind sharing my gift with planet,
we're all going to die and a blow job's fantastic!
And when I was 25, I was a rockstar, but it didn't pay too well,
I had to strip on the side of the road
to get ready for shows
and the cars driving by, baby, they'd never know
what a bargain they'd gotten
and if I'm forgotten
I'll be perfectly happy with all that has happened.
And I still get laughed at, but that doesn't bother me
I'm just so happy to hear laughter around me.
And I'e already spent too much time
doing things I didn't want to.
So if I wanna drink loads and dress like a pirate
or dress like a dyke and wear high heels and lipstick
or hide in a convent
or try to be mayor
or marry a writer
smoke crack
and slash tyres
make jokes you don't like
or paint ducks and retire...
You can bet your black ass that I'm going to