E ......................... B7 ................ E
At the boarding house where I lived
B7 ................................ A .............. E
Things were getting green with mold
....................................... B7 ..... E
The landlord's hair was in the butter
B7 ...................................... E
Silver threads among the gold
B7 .......................................... E
When the dog died we had sausages,
B7
When the cat died, catnip tea
E ............................. B7 ... E
When the landlord died I left there
B7 .............................................. E
Spare ribs were too much for me

Girls can never change their nature
'Tis a thing beyond their reach
If a girl is born a lemon
She can never be a peach
But the law of compensation
Does this lesson to us teach
You can always squeeze a lemon
Ever tried to squeeze a peach?

The train was standing at the station
When a young man full of care
Running madly to get on it
Tripped, fell head first down the stair
An old lady rushed up to him
“Did you miss a step, my son?”
He looked up and said, “No, lady
I hit every bloody one”

"Tell me Mister Tram Conductor" 
Said a lady old and frail
"Will the electric current kill me
If I stand upon the rail?"
"No, Ma'am" said the tram conductor
And to her these words he said:
"Not unless you put the other foot
On the wire overhead" 

While the organ pealed potatoes
Lard was rendered by the choir
As the sexton wrang the dishrag
Someone set the church on fire
"Holy smoke!" the preacher shouted
As he wildly tore his hair
Now his head resembles Heaven
For there is no parting there

Walking through the park last Thursday 
I saw a sight that turned my head
I saw a most peculiar fellow 
Fishing in a flower bed
Thinking him to be quite barmy
To humour him, I said a word
I asked "How many have you caught, sir?" 
He smiled and answered, "You're the third!"

I was minding my own business
When I heard the doorbell sound
'Twas a charity collector
With his tin can in his hand
“I'm collecting for the old folks home,”
Says he rattling his can
I always like to help the needy
So I gave him my old Gran