-I had a crazy uncle that was on his deathbed, a long 
time ago. He said, "Boy, there's 100 things in life 
every man needs to know to survive. And here's 39 of 
'em."-

A virgin don't never drive a Z-28.
Never bet the ranch on your prostate.
If it's got an adam's apple, it's prob'ly a man.
Never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand.
She didn't accidentally get good in bed.
You can't join the church if you're already dead.
A work uniform ain't totally nude.
Brown & Bass ain't seafood.
When there's guns in the house, one better be yours.
Don't be naked next to any fishing lures.
If there's girl scout cookies, she's a little too 
young.
If you say 'I do.' - be the ugly one.
Don't ever let a bald man borrow your comb.
Never play strip poker in a nursing home.
Don't blame your pall-bearers 'cause they don't show -
if you're buried in the middle of the Super Bowl.

Let people borrow money, they'll leave you alone.
Never fry bacon without a shirt on.
Never spray water on a hornet's nest.
The sign prob'ly don't really mean 'Massage.'
Never threaten anybody in camouflage.
Say you love her 'til she lays down the butcher knife.
Never put the move on the boss' wife.
She's messin' 'round on ya if your briefs don't fit.
Never trust a hitchhiker to babysit.
Cosmo is never in a happy home.
You can't cut a deal with a kidney stone.
A politician ain't got an HMO.
"Washing her hair" means she don't want to go.
Don't ridicule a biker 'bout his tattoo.
You been married nine times - hell, maybe it's you.

Doom ain't the same as Donkey Kong.
If he's wearing high heels, you might have raised him 
wrong.
The Clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates.
Don't rent a room from a man named Bates.
A tank top's never on a billionaire.
Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there.
How many get to heaven? No one knows...
But hell'll be asses and elbows.


...and then he died. Crazy fool rolled over and died. 
And never did tell me what them other 61 things are!