Oh help me, please doctor, I`m damaged 
There`s a pain where there once was a heart 
It`s sleepin, it`s a beatin` 
Can`t ya please tear it out, and preserve it 
Right there in that jar? 

Oh help me, please mama, I`m sick`ning 
It`s today that`s the day of the plunge 
Oh the gal I`m to marry 
Is a bow-legged sow 
I`ve been soakin` up drink like a sponge 

"Don`t ya worry, get dressed," cried my mother 
As she plied me with bourbon so sour 
Pull your socks up, put your suit on 
Comb your long hair down, 
For you will be wed in the hour 

So help me, please doctor, I`m damaged 
There`s a pain where there once was a heart 
I`m sleepin, it`s a beatin` 
Can`t ya please take it out, and preserve it 
Right there in that jar? 

Oh help me, please doctor, I`m damaged 
There`s a pain where there once was a heart 
It`s sleepin, it`s a beatin` 
Can`t ya please tear it out, and preserve it 
Right there in that jar? 

I was tremblin`, as I put on my jacket 
It had creases as sharp as a knife 
I put the ring in my pocket 
But there was a note 
And my heart it jumped into my mouth 

It read, "Darlin`, I`m sorry to hurt you. 
But I have no courage to speak to your face. 
But I`m down in Virginia with your cousin Lou 
There be no wedding today." 

So help me, please doctor, I`m damaged 
You can put back my heart in its hole 
Oh mama, I`m cryin` 
Tears of relief 
And my pulse is now under control