Announcer:

Ladies and Gentleman, the mayor of New York.

Mayor:

Good morning.
It's been brought to my attention that many rap artists
Claim that they run New York.
But this is not the case.
In fact, I wrote my own song about what it's really like.
Please excuse the profanity in advance.
Hit it.

Lonely Island: I run New York!

Billie Joe:

New York, big city of dreams
And you know that I run this town
King of the streets, dressed in concrete
Skyscrapers on my crown

So if you want this Big Apple
Come try to take a bite!
Cause I run this motherfucking city
And I won't give it up without a fight!

Lonely Island:

Yo I run New York
It's a pain in the ass
The city's crowded as fuck
And it's covered in trash
And the sanitation chief just shoveled shit in my face
Another transit strike? Aw, fucking great!
I can't wait to have another meeting with the labor union
So that Mark can bend me over and then shove their fucking shoe in
But I do it so you can sip your pumpkin lattes
I literally run New York and it's exhausting!

Billie Joe:

I run New York
It's a fucking headache
It really wears you down
In this lake of bureaucratic bullshit
It's a miracle I don't drown!

Lonely Island:

I don't literally run New York
I run the marathon
Plus I organize it
So I double run the marathon
But no one seems to give a fuck that I'm a paragon
Instead they photoshop me so it's looking like I wear a thong
So they laugh at it in my own office when I'm gone
Went to the Nick's game and they booed me on the Jumbo Tron
Excuse me for trying to help you
They won't be satisfied till I'm locked up in Belleview
I guess they don't tell you this job sucks dick!
I run New York and it feels like shit!

Billie Joe:

The chief of Police is a major bully
He laughs at my ideas
He made fun of my tie last week
And I had to fight back tears!

Lonely Island:

Now on the surface, it probably looks like I should quit
Cause I spend every day getting punched in the dick
But at night I travel down into the subway
Wearing chain mail, locked and loaded for gun play
And battle the gigantic fire breathing mutant rats
If I fucking quit, who the fuck would do that?
I'll give you a hint, the answer is no one
That's why I'm in the sewer dressed up like a show gun
Cause I'm the equinox
I helped James Springs
Releasing hounds reef in the blood of kings
And no one even knows, they just think I'm a dork
But I still kill those fucking dogs, cause I run New York!

Billie Joe:

I run New York
It's a shitty gig
No overtime in my pay
I asked the city for a fucking bonus
And they said no fucking way!
So rotten is this big apple
It's crawling with worms inside
But I run this motherfucking shit hole city and it makes me want to die!

Lonely Island:

I run New York!

Mayor: Thank you.