PADDY AND THE BARREL (THE SICK NOTE)




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DEAR SIR I WRITE THIS NOTE TO YOU TO TELL YOU OF MY PLIGHT.

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FOR AT THE TIME OF WRITING I AM NOT A PRETTY SIGHT

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MY BODY IS ALL BLACK AND BLUE,

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MY FACE A DEATHLY GRAY

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AND I WROTE THIS NOTE TO SAY WHY PADDYS NOT IN WORK

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TODAY



WHILST WORKING ON THE FOURTEETH FLOOR, SOME BRICKS I HAD TO CLEAR, TO THROW THEM DOWN FROM SUCH A HEIGHT WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. THE FOREMAN WASN`T VERY PLEASED, HE IS AN AWKWARD SOD, HE SAID I`D HAVE TO CART THEM DOWN THE LADDERS IN ME HOD.


NOW CLEARING ALL THOSE BRICKS BY HAND, IT WAS SO VERY SLOW, SO I HOISTED UP A BARREL AND SECURED THE ROPE BELLOW, BUT IN MY HASTE TO DO THE JOB I  WAS TO BLIND TO SEE, THAT A BARREL FULLOF BUILDING BRICKS WAS HEAVIER THAN ME.

AND SO, WHEN I UNTIED THE ROPE THE BARREL FELL LIKE LEAD, AND CLINGING TIGHTLY TO THE ROPE I STARTED UP INSTEAD! I SHOT UP LIKE A ROCKET, TILL TO MY DISMAY I FOUND, THAT HALFWAY UP I MET THE BLOODY BARREL COMING DOWN!


THE BARREL BROKE MY SHOULDER AS TO THE GROUND IT SPED, AND WHEN I REACHED THE TOP I BANGED THE PULLY WITH MY HEAD. I HUNG ON TIGHTLY, NUMB WITH SHOCK FROM THIS ALMIGHTY BLOW, AND THE BARREL SPILLED OUT HALF THE BRICKS, FOURTEEN FLOORS BELOW.



NOW WHEN THOSE BRICKS HAD FALLEN FROM THE BARRELTOTHE FLOOR, I THEN OUT WHEIGHED THE BARREL, AND SO STARTED DOWN ONCE MORE! STILL CLINGING TIGHTLY TO THE ROPE, MY BODY RACKED WITH PAIN WHEN, HALFWAY DOWN I MET THE BLOODY BARREL ONCE AGAIN!



THE FORCE OF THIS COLLISION HALFWAY UP THE OFFICE BLOCK CAUSED MULTIPLE ABRASIONS AND A NASTY STATE OF SHOCK, STILL CLINGING TIGHTLY TO THE ROPE, I FELL TOWARDS THE GROUND, AND I LANDED ON THE BROKEN BRICKS THE BARREL SCATTERED ROUND.



I LAY THERE, GROANING ON THE GROUND, I THOUGHT I`D PASSED THE WORST, BUT THE BARREL HIT THE PULLEY-WHEEL AND THEN THE BOTTOM BURST! A SHOWER OF BRICKS RAINDED DOWN ON ME-I HADN`T GOT A HOPE, AS I LAY THERE BLEEDING ON THE GROUND-I LET GO THE BLOODY ROPE!



THE BARREL THEN BEING HEAVIER, IT STARTED DOWN ONCE MORE, AND LANDED RIGHT ACROSS ME AS I LAY UPON THE FLOOR. IT BROKE THREE RIBS AND MY LEFT ARM, AND I CAN ONLY SAY THAT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHY PADDYS NOT IN WORK TODAY!