Sittin' at home doin' nothing in particular

Watchin' TV legs crossed perpendicular

Tryin' real hard to retain my sanity

When in walks the reason I gave up on humanity

Five foot eight with a wimpy goatee

Brown hair, brown eyes, and a couple brown teeth

His voice has a pitch that could bust a glass

Got a mouth like a river and it's just as fast

Livin' with this guy has really been the pits

His mouth is so big that his nose barely fits

Ain't no peace and quiet it's a riot with this creep

'Cause he can both talk and eat in his sleep

Eatin' all my food all day all night

The Tazmanian Devil has a smaller appetite

If there's food in the house no doubt he'll grab it

Eats chicken, fish, beef, and especially rabbit

I gotta get away and he's gotta get a job

I gotta get my shoe off of his shishkebob

He's got a hole in his head that's incredibly wide

And anything can fit inside

That's why we call him The Mouth



His mouth keeps moving as his heart keeps beating

He's constantly talking, and/or eating

I avoid him when I can but I live in fear

He only inhaled three times last year

Did I mention that this guy was a royal pain

He talks with a full mouth and an empty brain

He only talks about things that he doesn't understand

Which means he can talk longer than our average life span

Talk about annoying, he'll talk about anything

Comments that he adds just adds to my suffering

Stupid little things from a stupid little man

His brain got in the way so he cut out the middle man

He keeps putting in his two cents somehow

But at this rate he should have been broke by now

When he talks up a storm it forms a damn monsoon

Then he tells me everything that happened in the bathroom

Goin' on for hours while I stand there in a daze

Tellin' me about his pimples and his potty training days

With a blatant disregard for my indifference he talks

Like a blind pitcher giving up walks

That's why we call him The Mouth



I know more about him than I know about myself

Sharing air with this guy is really bad for my health

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to survive

I've heard about every minute this idiot has been alive

Did you know when he was three he had a puppy named Joe

It would sleep at his feet, and lick between his toes

And then every morning it would wake him up

At seven-thirty on the dot, it was such a smart pup

And every year his town has a carnival or somethin'

To celebrate that miracle of nature called the pumpkin

Half a million people all come to this little town

And they all take turns picking seeds up off the ground

I sit there and I smile and I nod a little bit

And I'm thinkin' to myself, God, what an idiot

He doesn't seem to pick up from my ultra blank stare

That I just don't care

That's why we call him The Mouth



[Mouth rant]



He sits around the house watching TV and he's eating

And he's talking and the whole time I'm taking a beating

And then he complains that he's got a tired butt

I wonder how much it would cost to have his mouth wired shut

Even the dog doesn't wanna go near him

Doesn't matter where you go 'cause you're always gonna hear him

And we haven't got a clue what we could possibly do

We're both starving 'cause he ate the damn dog food too

No food in the house he ate it all last week

No silence in the house 'cause he still has all his teeth

And there ain't no escape 'cause he doesn't have a life

I really do feel very sorry for his wife

Yes he's married but it can't be that great

'Cause his wife has a house and lives in another state

At first I thought that that was weird but now I understand why

If I was married to this guy I think I'd just give up and die

For now I'm stuck with him 'cause he pays the rent

At least until he meets with a little accident

God gave us the gifts of speech and sound

And has regretted it since he's been around

That's why we call him The Mouth



[Mouth rant]