Oh no, there they go another herd of elephants

With big fat legs in tight black pants

And an image of themselves that can't be clear

'Cause it's obvious they ain't never looked in a mirror

Following fashion is no surprise

But when the fashion follows the form of your thighs

And reveals every mound and cluster of fat

Then it's time to take 'em off and take the damn things back

But no, they gotta go strut their stuff

And I'm here to say that enough is enough

Spandex shorts, stretch pants and such

If you weigh too much you're showin' way too much

Spandex doesn't hide where you sag

You look like a goddam hefty bad

Wrappin' up all your cellulite wreckage

Somethin' tells me it's gonna be one of those decades

Marchin' in the mall two ton by two

I guarantee that they're gonna sit by you

Showin' off everything the fabric ain't fixin'

Please God please no more fat chicks in spandex



Everywhere I go I just can't get away

From the overweight legs gift wrapped every day

I'm a humble man, I don't ask for much

But it would be nice to keep down my lunch

But I can't, they always walk by when I'm eating

My muscles all lock and my heart starts beating

Irregularly every time that I see

A walking wooly mammoth in a woman's size three

Clumps of fat popping out everywhere

Her pants are so tight I can see all her hair

It wiggles and wobbles when they're ridin' on a bike

Now I know what Al Bundy must feel like

The only thing I can imagine that would be any worse

Is Roger Ebert in a speedo but that's a whole nother verse

They wear 'em so much they're gonna wear the things up

And when the pants give away they're gonna all hang out

Beauty's in the eye of the beholder but

When these beauties walk by I keep my eyes shut

Black abominations they're squeezin' their hips in

Please God please no more fat chicks in spandex



If the back of your legs look like cottage cheese

If you're talking scale says "get off please"

If both of your breasts hang down to your knees

Then you shouldn't be wearin' any spandex

If you look like you're related to the Toxic Avenger

If a whale gets beached and you try to befriend her

If a mechanic sees your body and attaches a fender

Then you won't look good in those spandex

I'm gonna find who designed them it's all his fault

I'm afraid I'm gonna turn into a pillar of salt

When I accidentally look at a derriere

That looks like a walking bean bag chair

This has to be a dream but I can't wake up

It's too horrible a story to ever make up

It's the curse of the 20th century man

To be subjected to this torture again and again

By comparison the Spanish Inquisition was tame

Undersize pants on an oversize dame

Just ain't the way I like to get my kicks

Oh please God please no more fat chicks in spandex