Congregation, settle in your seats.

The Reverend Front Aloud is on the mic and about to speak.

I'm about to freak you out, make you shiver in the pew

while I'm delivering to you my sermon and divinity ensues,

brought by the one true God. It's a fact:

anybody else who ever had a God, their God's wack.

We ain't got to worry about ‘em; we picked the right horse.

You're in the right house of worship (of course),

and forces are gathering out in the world

to diminish our faith in ways radical and thorough,

to discourage us from loving anything that's immaterial,

to tempt our children with ever fruitier cereal,

and worst of all, to call us idiots while they do it.

My congregation, listen; I'm about to walk you through it.

We're going to take the nation back from the heathens that's within it.

We're gonna get the most egregious of the atheists imprisoned,

cause a schism while we're at it, but emerge on top,

and once we've purified our ranks we won't stop —

we'll purify your minds of what's illegitimately thought.

It's not to be a battle indiscriminately fought,

but an orchestrated effort, and I'm gonna need you to commit.

Might take a couple generations for this deviltry to quit.

Start with the kids — in fact, they get distracted from the Lord —

so I'd like you to write a couple letters to your school board.


Do you, do you really believe

that we were nothing but them monkeys swinging up in the trees?

Don't it seem a little likelier that Adam and Eve

did a lot of humping, and that was the origin of the species?


And what has this so-called science ever done for us

but trumpeted that when ashes go to ashes & dust to dust,

despite the fuss of living, energy gets conserved.

Denying the weight of the soul of a man: this is ill deserved.

This is still the curse of Copernicus that we suffer.

Secular thought ought not to overflow its buffer

and run roughshod through the minds of you, the population.

Heretics such as Dawkins and Sagan overstep their station

to say that what we see and what we believe should be confluent.

Look to your Reverend to end apostasy — that's what I'm doing!

Look to your Holy Book to light the way; that is its purpose.

Open it up and you'll find Eden ‘fore you even scratch the surface.

And sure, this should be mirrored in the textbooks verbatim

but I'm not in a position yet to issue ultimatum.

So I lay down my scheme: we'll make it seem as though creation

isn't anything we'd like to interject to education.

We'll wrangle up the language: science, data, theorem,

the irreducible complexity of the ears we use to hear ‘em

gnashing teeth and wailing from Kansas to PA.

Yes, my flock, I talk of futures not imminent but underway.

Already established an Institute for Discovery.

Discovered that Darwin is dead with outlook grim for recovery.

Schoolmarms will soon say that he burns in a fiery sea.

Think how much like paradise that's gonna be.