Come on you old pest
Fetch a bottle of your best
What's the nectar of the day?

[Thenardier enters with a flask of wine.]

Thenardier
Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thenardier

Drinkers
Gissa glass a' rum
Landlord, over here!

Thenardier
[To himself] Right away, you scum
[To customer] Right away, M'sieur

Drinkers
God this place has gone to hell
So you tell me every year
Mine host Thenardier
He was there so they say,
At the field of Waterloo
Got there, it's true
When the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud
So I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets
Of the English dead
He made a tidy score
From the spoils of war

Thenardier
My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.
My sons of whores
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
Then fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours

Drinkers
Ain't got a clue
What he put in this stew
Must have scraped it off the street
God what a wine!
Chateau Neuf de Turpentine
Must have pressed it with his feet
Landlord over here!
Where's the bloody man?
One more for the road!
Thenardier, one more slug o' gin.
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

[Thenardier greets a new customer.]

Thenardier
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best
Innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em
Of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks
When they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's buxom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Thenardier & Drinkers
Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher,
And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

Thenardier
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

[To another new customer...]

Enter M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots
And rest from the road
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive
To lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer
And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages
With this and that

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Thenardier & Chorus
Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher,
And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

Thenardier
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

Mme. Thenardier
I used to dream
That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty,
Have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house?
Isn't worth me spit!
'Comforter, philosopher'
- and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover
But there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!

Thenardier & Drinkers
Master of the house!

Mme. Thenardier
Master and a half!

Thenardier & Drinkers
Comforter, philosopher

Mme. Thenardier
Ah, don't make me laugh!

Thenardier & Drinkers
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great

Mme. Thenardier
Hypocrite and toady
And inebriate!

Thenardier & Drinkers
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Thenardier
Everybody raise a glass

Mme. Thenardier
Raise it up the master's arse

All
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house