Dick was obsessed with his dick.
He would beat off at least three times a day
In the morning, when he woke up
Right after or right before dinner
Or right before he went to sleep
If he didn't get in his three daily beat-off sessions
He was a pain in the ass to be around
He jerked off to TV
Especially I Dream of Jeannie and Dynasty and Charlie's Angels
He pulled his pud to porno books
He even jerked off to the underwear ads
In the magazine section of the Sunday New York Times
If you were a girl, talking to him on the phone
Chances are he was beating his meat to the sound of your voice
'Cause coming was his raison d'etre

One time he was in the middle of jerking off to Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune
When a job offer came to him over the phone
And he needed the job bad
But he told the man he'd call him right back
'Cause he needed to come more than he needed the job
It wasn't that he was ugly or afraid of women or anything like that
He just honestly preferred his right hand
I saw him the other day
And he told me that last Friday he was with two girls at their place
And they both wanted him to stay over
But he went home
Called up another girl
And jacked off while talking to her
I don't know why he tells me this stuff
Dick's a fucked up guy