We just met, but I know, you're my soul mate

I've got your name tatooed on my chest, neck and face.

Let's get hitched, right away

Or at least, pick a date:

I've got next week open,

When do you have open?

I sent you my left ear

But you tossed off the pier,

Then said something I couldn't hear (What?)

I gave you all my string

And my fingernail clippings,

I hope I don't sound deranged

But I'd chop off my head for you,

I just went off my meds for you,

I'd drink a bottle of crazy glue,

And lick a bathroom attendant's shoe

(Oh, that's good shoe!)

I would peel you a million grapes,

And make a portrait using audio tapes

Yes, I'll defend you from robots,

And futuristic Apes!

Oh, get your damn stinkin' paws off my girlfriend,

You dirty ape from the future!

Calm down, you crazy clown!

What is wrong with you?

Stop offerin' things that you'll never have to do

Just take you pills,

Pay you bills,

I don't want you dead,

Why would I want a boyfriend who doesn't have a head?

I'll eat a pile of glass

Pull my heart out thtough my ass!

You know what you could do for me?

(What babe)

The dishes and the trash,

Let's take that tango class,

Then watch some Lifetime TV!

I'll shop at Target with you,

Buy you tickets to Dave Matthews,

I'd go to brunch with your book club friends,

And tell you that you're not fat again

(This nightmare never ends!)

I would rather eat 50 grenades,

And wear a Speedo made of razor blades,

Then have to deal with you baby,

And your stupid mom!