I was having a bad week
I crashed the car and the cat carked it
Weighted myself outside Woolies
And I'd put on four kilos

Arranged to meet an old friend for coffee
I poured my heart out, told her all about
Poor dead fluffy and the bloody car
And did she think I should go on a diet?

She studied my face, trying to frame the words to say
Just the right blend of empathy and advice
(She took a big breath) and looked into my eyes and she said:

You should go on Australian Idol
Even if you don't win, you'll have a great time
Don't worry that you don't look like a supermodel
They're even letting fatties on there now, so you should be fine

I said: thanks, I feel a lot better now
Then I erased her number from my phone
I didn't know how much we'd grown apart

The very next day was my birthday
No one called, except my grandma
And she was drunk, she just needed a lift home from the pub

Then that Sunday night I went to dinner with my rallies
They said: Happy Birthday, do you mind if we put the TV on?
It's nearly the final of Australian Idol and

You should go on Australian Idol
You're much prettier than her, she looks like a pudding
You'll win it, no worries, love, said my uncle
And I just turn and look at him like he was something that I stood in

And don't get me wrong, if I turn on the TV and it's on
I can't stop watching, even with the ads
Even with those two dickheads blabbing on between songs
I love to see their spirits crushed, their egos shattered
I love the ones that really suck in the first auditions
I love to watch them sob, their dreams in tatters
And I love when I eat my dinner
They're crying in their 5-star hotel
And I'm cackling on my cack-brown counch

And It's not that I'm jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous

The next sunday I had a pretty bad hangover
Feeling pretty grumpy
Sitting on the counch, eating Pringles, feeling sorry for myself
I flipped to Channel 10 and before I knew it, I was watching a really short guy
Singing that really annoying song by Craig David

Suddenly I rose to my feet, it must have been divine intervention
I saw the light in front of me and I screamed

Why am I watching Australian Idol? (God)
Am I really reduced to this pityful state? (Jesus)
I may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar
Or better, still just change to SBS
You better believe it, I changed to SBS
So Marcia, Dicko, what ever your name is
Shove it up your ass
Shove it up, shove it up
Shove it up, shove it up
Shove it up, shove it up