If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I 
am: 
I'm a genuine philanthropist - all other kinds are 
sham. 
Each little fault of temper and each social defect 
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. 
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes; 
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; 
I love my fellow creatures - I do all the good I can -
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! 
And I can't think why!
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; 
And vanity I always do my best to mortify; 
A charitable action I can skillfully dissect; 
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect; 
I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns; 
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns; 
But to benefit humanity however much I plan, 
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! 
And I can't think why!
I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be; 
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee, 
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, 
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer. 
To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; 
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute - and I do. 
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, 
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! 
And I can't think why! 
Chorus. 
He can't think why! 
Gama & Chorus. 
I/He can't think why!