I used to be such a happy guy
The things were good between my wife and I
But now I just hang my head in shame
Since the day, that I found,
The thing that turned my world upside down
Now I'll never be the same

Chorus:
Since I found my wife's vibrator
Something I couldn't saw
(My wife's vibrator)
A perfect replica of a cock
(My wife's vibrator)
It was so big and fat
How the hell can I compete with that?
My wife's vibrator

I pick'd it up, and weight a ton
To four "D" batteries to make it run
And the writing on the side said it's name was "slim"
Is this what it takes to feel alive?
Three fucking gears and an overdrive
When I turned it on all the lights went dim

When I found my wife's vibrator
What is this all about?
(My wife's vibrator)
The thing will knock her feelings out
(My wife's vibrator)
Don't you there laugh
I swear to God it's gonna split her in half
My wife's vibrator

She came home earlier than planned
With me holding cockzilla in my hand
And I just stood there in a trance
She said "Well, now that you know,
is there any chance you wanna give it a go?"
I fell to the floor and I pissed my pants

When I found my wife's vibrator
I think ... [part missed] 
My wife's vibrator
There's no way you can make it fit
My wife's vibrator
Who did they model it on?
That motherfucker's got one hell of a schlong
My wife's vibrator
I found my wife's vibrator
Yes I found my wife's vibrator.